In 2019, I laid curled up in a fetal position, rocking myself back and forth with salty tears and stifled crying gasps. I needed a new job, yet everything around this goal fell apart in one fell swoop.
I’d wanted to move closer to my then-boyfriend and now-ex. In my mind, he was my future husband. But he’d lost his job and couldn’t stay in the area much longer unless he found another soon. That, however, wasn’t his strong suit. He was, once again, unemployed. In a month following, I dumped him.
Despite being assured of getting the job after the last two interviews, all my interview attempts ended in failure. No new job, no moving to my boyfriend, and yet a ringing phone telling me I had yet another interview three hours away, where my boyfriend had lived. I told the gal on the line plans had changed.
“But didn’t you tell me you wanted to live in X? It’s closer to your family, friends…” her voice droned on. I didn’t realize the manipulation and agreed to do the interview. It was the last one I attended. I broke after that call.
I couldn't find the right words to express what was necessary. I didn’t stand up for myself. Have you ever had your entire future crumble instantly in front of you?
Have you ever questioned all of your life decisions, forgotten who you are, and been stuck in a place you’re dementedly unhappy in? Have you told yourself nothing has changed and I must continue on my current path, despite it not being there anymore?
That’s what I should’ve asked her. Then I should’ve hung up. Instead, I froze. I quit my job search, tired of all the dead-end interviews, and believed that my life had to remain in my stressful job and isolated living.
I was in the “In-Between.” Changes needed to happen, yet nothing moved. I read a few books, watched YouTube videos, and gorged on every piece of content to find my compass again after I had properly grieved and wailed over my broken future.
Fear had power over me. I needed a change. Despite this, I often cried in the work bathroom and did nothing else. I got my butt into therapy, but it took time to break down the barriers, to just do something because I firmly believed there was only one right answer.
While I no longer believe that (at least as strongly), I’m still struggling through my current period of the “In-Between.” This time it concerns life planning, such as buying a house, having kids, and raising a family.
This past November, a wave of financial struggles hit. We now pay more than expected on student loans; we had two confusing ER bills come to us; my car insurance went dramatically up. Then the holidays came, and we barely stayed out of the red that month.
My dad said we needed to talk. So, we set up a date to get some coffee and all my financial troubles stormed out. Ultimately, we both concluded that getting a house right now doesn't make sense. We had a promising idea for gaining more space soon. As I talked it over with my husband, we agreed about the house and discussed putting off kids at least another year.
I’ve heard the term “you make it work,” but I, personally, want to know we can afford the necessities before making the commitment.
My husband and I figured the sellers wouldn’t extend the closing date. But, nearly a week or more before the date before a blizzard set in, they extended it to February. Both my husband and I had hoped they would pull out. We’re new to this. I’m prone to avoiding any potential conflict. We will tell them we’re not interested. I think we’re both scared and holding onto hope.
With our entire life up in the air, I’m having trouble re-routing my energy and resources. Okay, I’m fine with the re-routing of the finances. That’s figured out. However, the time, the energy, and the nagging long list of goals are messier.
I have many habits that add up to over-working myself on un-important tasks then binging screen time to numb out all the voices in my head screaming for me to work on the things I love, the things that matter. When I do have creative sparks and motivation, I’m at work.
I’m not a creative that’s been able to quit her day job. I work in a corporate office job as a designer, a job not near as flashy as it sounds, that prohibits work on personal projects during working hours. Yes, I could work on such during my lunch break. But thirty unpaid minutes often stop my flow. I can get things done. I’m usually burnt out or have little time.
Add these issues of mine on top of my entire yearly timeline being thrown off the window, and you have a recipe for disaster. At work, I either feel out of it, unable to work at my usual best, or I gorge myself on task after task after task.
Some nights, it overflows into my personal time. I do dishes, laundry, cancel a subscription, work on church council notes, put something on Facebook Marketplace to recoup cost on my expensive headphones, and then I collapse. Other days, I can’t bring myself to do anything besides playing mobile games.
I’m overworked or bored out of my mind.
Even though I’m no longer fearful of the change, I’m not navigating this odd, grey-speckled wasteland of broken dreams and harrowing self-reflection well. I have chips of time-energy in messy piles beside me as I look over life. I want to prioritize time for God and creativity. My hand hovers over those sections of my life with tense anticipation.
Putting the chips there sets nothing in stone.
My mind wanders through the social media jungles and distraction gorges — they’re the routes it knows best. Despite being aware of my desires, I consistently choose not to pursue them. I don’t carve out a few minutes for my daily Bible reading. At night, I convince myself I need to relax. Creativity is productive when I wish to rest and restful when I desire productivity.
Instead of fearful, I’m simply lost.
All theories exist — one where we get a house, one we don’t, one where we have kids, one we don’t, one we have both, one we have neither, and the broader spectrum of job changes.
I think decisions clarify. Data could prove that, probably. But I still stand here, not fully willing to give up a dream, wishing it to dissolve before me instead, running myself to death to distract myself.
I’m curious on how you deal with such things!
What do you do when life demands you change?
Do you realize it’s changing or simply let life unfold before you?
What gets you back in motion?
Until next time,
Ada
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